I started pulling myself off of social networking sites today. I feel so pent up an strange... like I have an audience of several hundred people to say something to, and not wanting to say it to them. I hate wanting to express something and knowing that half the people reading either don't care or are people I can't be authentic towards because of family or something else. I want to shed anything unnecessary. To make it so that the only way to contact me is to reach out specificially to me in some personal manner.
Since I have always had an internet presence since the dawn of time, that must continue. But this is where i will be. And possibly there isn't a soul reading that, and it's fine. Because this is about what it used to be about for me. Chronicling my life and my thoughts for MY own purposes. I just have to stop feeling like free to speak and very censored all at the same time.
I just want to pull away until only those who really care know anything about me and what I'm doing. Then I'll be happy.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Reality?
So, last night I went to see the new Christopher Nolan film, Inception. It's not really what I'm here to talk about, but while I'm on the subject let me just tell you that right now I am thinking it may be the best movie I've ever seen. Anyway, the point of me bringing it up is that the main theme in the movie is one's concept of reality. In the movie, it's the question of reality versus dreams, but what I want to bring up here is reality versus projection.
Are you a person whose reality is defined by how you feel inside, or is your reality defined by how others see you? Do you take photos to cherish a special time in your life or do you take them to share them with friends or family and project a certain image of yourself and the life you are living? John Mayer put out this really good song called 3x5 and he basically talked about taking his eyes out from behind the camera and just living life. The idea of the song sounds so free, to stop viewing everything through a 3x5 frame and see the entire landscape and just really live every moment. Is a moment valuable to you if you can't show others that it happened or prove that it was there?
I think I've been in both of these places in my life. I've been so focused on my own internal satisfaction that I didn't care what anyone in the world thought of me. In those moments I'd often find my foot in my mouth or feel isolated because I'd shut the idea of anyone's perception of me being important at all. I've also been so obsessed with appearance of my family or relationship that I've lived as a prisoner to keeping up a certain idea. In those moments, I was miserable unless I was around people. I could only be happy when I was basking in the others who were around to tell me what a beautiful life or family I had.
At this point in my life I just try to walk the line. To understand that on a certain level some "keeping up appearances" is expected. If my spouse and I are in the middle of a fight and his family walks in, it's possible that instead of screaming "YOU'RE FAMILY'S HERE MOTHERFUCKER" and storming away, I'll sit down and socialize while holding his hand and being close. Sometimes that interruption in our tension and that physical togetherness will create a genuine feeling of togetherness within us and the tension ceases to exist. Now the togetherness isn't even about keeping up an appearance even if it started that way. There are probably more moments in life than I admit that I want to throw my kids out the window and get a moment of peace. But it doesn't mean I don't adore them, which is also what I project more. I may not always say that I'm scratching at the walls to get away from my family on some particular days, but it's a truth. A truth that within reason I'm honest about, and find other parents/spouses can relate. It crosses my mind that I could sneak out like a theif in the night and live naked and free among the pine trees for the rest of eternity. Does it mean that's even remotely close to reality? No. So we don't necessarily have to be SO open and genuine with our thoughts that we give a wrong impression or isolate ourselves, either.
That was a long and rambling post. But I think it's a good thing to ask yourself. Who are you really living for, and what defines your reality?
Are you a person whose reality is defined by how you feel inside, or is your reality defined by how others see you? Do you take photos to cherish a special time in your life or do you take them to share them with friends or family and project a certain image of yourself and the life you are living? John Mayer put out this really good song called 3x5 and he basically talked about taking his eyes out from behind the camera and just living life. The idea of the song sounds so free, to stop viewing everything through a 3x5 frame and see the entire landscape and just really live every moment. Is a moment valuable to you if you can't show others that it happened or prove that it was there?
I think I've been in both of these places in my life. I've been so focused on my own internal satisfaction that I didn't care what anyone in the world thought of me. In those moments I'd often find my foot in my mouth or feel isolated because I'd shut the idea of anyone's perception of me being important at all. I've also been so obsessed with appearance of my family or relationship that I've lived as a prisoner to keeping up a certain idea. In those moments, I was miserable unless I was around people. I could only be happy when I was basking in the others who were around to tell me what a beautiful life or family I had.
At this point in my life I just try to walk the line. To understand that on a certain level some "keeping up appearances" is expected. If my spouse and I are in the middle of a fight and his family walks in, it's possible that instead of screaming "YOU'RE FAMILY'S HERE MOTHERFUCKER" and storming away, I'll sit down and socialize while holding his hand and being close. Sometimes that interruption in our tension and that physical togetherness will create a genuine feeling of togetherness within us and the tension ceases to exist. Now the togetherness isn't even about keeping up an appearance even if it started that way. There are probably more moments in life than I admit that I want to throw my kids out the window and get a moment of peace. But it doesn't mean I don't adore them, which is also what I project more. I may not always say that I'm scratching at the walls to get away from my family on some particular days, but it's a truth. A truth that within reason I'm honest about, and find other parents/spouses can relate. It crosses my mind that I could sneak out like a theif in the night and live naked and free among the pine trees for the rest of eternity. Does it mean that's even remotely close to reality? No. So we don't necessarily have to be SO open and genuine with our thoughts that we give a wrong impression or isolate ourselves, either.
That was a long and rambling post. But I think it's a good thing to ask yourself. Who are you really living for, and what defines your reality?
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Luck
So I'm relaxing this evening at home, just thinking about "lucky" and my inner response to ever being told that I am lucky. I am really resistant to this whole idea that anything I've come to gain in my life has been the result of luck. I think my entire life is a product of hard work, and then the good/bad choices I've made. I can't think of anything I've been given that I haven't earned. Earned by working or earned by being a good friend/person which made another person feel inclined to bestow some gift or privilege upon me. Even for those who seemingly "have it all" or have been given opportunity since birth, I tend to believe they did something grand in a previous life. I don't believe there are just people who are lucky and people who aren't. And it is interesting to me the things we consider lucky. Winning the lotto. I have seen many come into so much money just to become ruined by it or be robbed by those closest to them. I don't know that finding out your own children or spouse would rob you blind or kill you for your possessions is indicative of much luck. At the end of the day I think it is all about your own perception. I think the happiest people have learned that happiness isn't contingent on circumstance and comes from within. I know that I am going to be happy living in a cardboard box or living in the lap of luxury. And that ability to be positive isn't something I'm lucky for either. I worked very hard for that. It was all (and still is) in my control. I could let it go and stop putting the work in. Or I could take it a step further and solidify my happiness and minimize suffering even more. It is all in my hands.
Here we are...
Just a little intro here. I've had many different blogs and websites over the years, and like many people have gotten caught up in the social networking craze. I'm saddened that my ability to communicate has been relegated to however many characters in a Facebook status update, when I used to write so freely and succinctly about the goings on in my mind. And I think that with limited writing has come more limited thinking. This is an attempt to get back to me and connect again with my thoughts. I think a lot about music, how songs and their lyrics relate to my life and thoughts. I think about spirituality. The ideologies that I believe in and those which I feel are limiting and detrimental to people. I think about all the things I observe about humanity every day. This is my favorite thing about living in a city so crowded...every day I see so many displays of love, kindness, selfishness openness and closedness and every day people are adding to my patchwork quilt view of society and of the human heart. This is just my individual experience. I hope you enjoy the ride.
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