Friday, December 30, 2011

Promises for 2012

We've now arrived at my favorite time: when one year draws to a close and a new one begins to bloom. I've often heard people say that resolutions are pointless and that we as people should be able to make changes we wish for at any time throughout the year. This is totally true. In this way, all time markers and holidays are pointless. For me, New Years Day has always been a perfect measurable distance from one year to the next where I can look and see concrete changes in me. January 1st always comes. And I always lived thorough one the year before. I can always see what happened within me in the three-hundred and some odd days between. I'm not crazy about resolutions, but love reflecting. I am finding that in 2011 I disappointed myself profoundly though, and for that I am definitely making some promises to myself for the upcoming year.

The first promise I am making for 2012 is to listen to myself. I have always believed that housed deep inside of us, are all of our truths. This year I commit to listening to the truths I already know and not denying them. I have found the greatest pain in my life has come from turning away from my own wisdom when it was calling for me with an important message. This coming year, I promise to have faith in myself and in the lessons I've learned from my past. I will trust my own wisdom and I follow my heart.

The second promise I am making is to strive more for oneness and not otherness. Mostly in my life I've been good at always recognizing that I am part of a much larger whole and being cognizant of how my actions affect other parts of that whole. I believe I've been caught up in my own emotional struggles this year and recoiled into the illusion of otherness. Of being separate and alone, different and an exception. Looking at others not as an extension of my own existence. I promise this year to be more connected to the whole and actively compassionate towards all of the parts of that whole. To give what I have, smile at those I pass, give warmth and love to those who will have it. Offer to carry the burden of those who may be just as tired of their weight as I have been of mine at times.

The third promise I am making is to love my sober self. To find other ways to address the social anxiety that bothers me more than I ever let on. To have faith in my intelligence and beauty enough to know I don't need to numb myself to be around someone new. To love a glass of wine for the taste and the little buzz and not try to run away from my own feelings of inferiority or embarrassment. To stop feeling terribly naked and on trial around other people. To remember that I'm witty and cute and a joy to be around. Therein lies the answer to laying down the need to escape.

The fourth promise I am making is to reach out to my friends and family more. To tell them I love them, to explain what's going on in my world, and to ask them to listen and ask for help. To be honest and vulnerable, supportive, to laugh and cry. Not to take for granted that they're reading facebook and texts. To pick up the phone and hear a voice. To sit down for dinner or coffee. I promise this year to invest fully in those I love and who love me back. To lean on and let them lean on me.

Lastly, I promise to keep my heart open. To embrace all newcomers in my life in the coming year. To not let past baggage or fears dissuade me from the affections of those who want to be near me. To believe that I deserve new love, not the kind I idealize because I want to be loved, but the kind that rushes in unexpectedly because it was meant for me.

The end! Happy 2012 to all!