Saturday, January 22, 2011

Who Am I?

I am my own dream... unfolding every day. Blossoming to reveal  more petals than I ever knew existed. Freeing from the tight bud into something far brighter than I realized I was capable of.

One year ago I was telling myself far more than was actually true. I was living a life of indulgence, excuses, and denial. My outward attitude and my words were an overcompensation for things I knew deep down I was lacking. I was that person who thought if you ate the ice cream while nobody was looking, it didn't really happen. If you go to the gym and spend half the time in the locker room reading a book and half the time walking on the treadmill, nobody really knows you didn't do 45 minutes of good cardio. I didn't realize how much I was held prisoner by my own fear. Fear of telling myself the truth. Fear of busting out into something new. Fear of risk.

Today I have those feelings sometimes. When I'm out on a run, I think for an instant...nobody will know if I walk instead of run. Nobody will know if I do 2 miles instead of 3. Or at the refrigerator.... this handful of cashews can be my little secret... but one thing has changed between now and a year ago. That is just a thought and it comes and goes. And the barrier between it approaching me and it actually seeping into my actions is this. Four little words.

I owe myself more.

I push myself hard running. I use a measuring cup to measure 5oz of wine when I pour a glass (all sugars must be accounted for). I balance my lean protiens and my carbs. I work hard when I'm on the job. I research day in and day out thirsty for knowledge of the biomechanics of running. I OWE MYSELF THIS.

So who am I? Who knows. I don't so I know you don't! But what am I? Constantly evolving. Every day loving myself more and more. No longer making excuses. Facing honestly that person in the mirror. Congratulating her on how far she's come. Patting her on the back for being more than she ever knew she could be. Loving her so much that all other love pales in comparison.

Telling herself every day... that she owes herself more.

At this rate, next year I should be looking back at today realizing how many more limitations I've freed myself from.

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